Al0nso's letter to his cousin

[blue8]

This can't possibly be fo' real
Planet F1:

To Cousin Pedro, Preston, Idaho Hola hombre Ay ay ay, no es bueno! Too bad your cousins could not lend you a ride to the USGP, but maybe next year is better time to come. I am sorry to say this but I have the difficult time in F1 right now. Not with Schumacher either. You remember him from last year. I called him the smiling assassin. He smiles at you while driving you off the road. His wife, she make him stop racing so he is not in F1 any more. I have the difficult time with my new ingles team, Mac Laren. They say they give me the fastest car on the grid. They even know about you. They say, "Hey, we got a Pedro like your cousin Pedro, too - Pedro de la Rosa, he will be your team-mate next year." But when I get there, they say "amigo, big change of plan". Is no longer the Pedro guy, is the Lewis guy. They hire the fast young black driver to upset me. As soon as they know they have No.1 on their car, they don' care about me. Okay, so I know you hear this story before. I remember the letter I send you after the Chinese Grand Prix last year. You know "Renault don't want me to win, Ferrari have paid Flavio $10 million to give goodbye present to Schumacher". Maybe I go poco loco that time. But this year I know is true Mac Laren don't want me to win. Because they are making all the big sponsorship deals with Lewis. I am a double campion del mundo, he has sat in a car for seven races. And they never see the real side of Lewis Hamil-ton Dios mio! if the public knew the truth about the real Lewis Hamil-ton. He is not this sweet kid with the good manners. The minute the journalists go and the TV cameras are switched off, he turns back into his real self, the gangsta rapper. His first words to me when I get into practice debriefing is, "Yo ya Spanish mo fo!" I cannot explain what "mo fo" means but trust me Pedro, is bad bad phrase. At the last grand prix there is this US guy who wants to sign up Lewis. In the garage I hear him say to Lewis's father: "The kid aint got no bling Ant-ny." But actually Ron has banned Lewis's bling from fly-away races because of the weight restrictions. If they weighed Lewis's bling it would probably be the same weight as Takuma Sato. When Ron Dennis tell us that we are free to decide our own fuel strategy for the USGP Lewis says "Fo sho, G dawg!" and when he and his mechanics have decided it in secret, he tells them "Bruthas, keep it on the D. lo." That is why I am not comfortable at Mac Laren. They know what they have to do to make me comfortable. 1. Lewis must talk properly all the time.. 2. I would like a full apology over what happened to the Spanish Armada. 3. They must hand back the Malvinas. 4. Manuel in Fawlty towers must be dubbed as 'Jerzec', the stupid Polish waiter. 5. Nobody to remind me that General Franco also came from Asturias and liked getting his own way, all the time. We shall see how Mac Laren respond. I tell you soon Hasta luego Your cousin, Fernando.

[Mattk]

What the hell? This is hilarious!

[sentra_dude]

Hahahahahahahaahahahahahaaaahahahaahaha, holy shit that is funny!

2. I would like a full apology over what happened to the Spanish Armada.

Ahahahaha,

Your cousin, dancing queen.

[blue8]

Another letter:

Fernando Explains Stepneygate To Cousin Pedro To Cousin Pedro, Preston, Idaho Hola hombre Ay ay ay, no es bueno! I am sorry to say this but I have the difficult time in F1 right now. Not with Hamil-ton either. We have big scandal in F1 right now and if it comes out bad, they take my points. I am not happy. It start at the beginning of the season with a guy called Nigel Stepney, who work for Ferrari for a long time and then get passed over for the big job when his boss leave to go fishing. He is not happy to get the cleaning-toilets job. The next thing we read in the papers is that the Ferrari team have found some white powder near the fuel tanks and they say, "Nigel, he try and sabotage the car with the white powder near the fuel tanks." Nigel say back that after working in F1 for many years the only white powder he knows is used by Flavio Briatore in his cappuccino. Then he says the frightening thing; "after working at Ferrari for 15 years I knows where the bodies are buried."(sic) Ferrari boss Jean Todt say there are 900 people who work for Ferrari and they have all been accounted for. Then it gets worse. They say the Mac-Laren designer, Mike, has been copying the Ferrari plans for 2007, because they find a big dossier at his home. They think Nigel send it, but they no sure. They know it's there because a guy in a photo-copy shop blow the big whistle. Now everybody in the whole world has a view. I say this. If he was going to photo-copy it for Mac-Laren why does he not take it into work and photo-copy it there...? Free of charge. Is no rocket science. Then we find out Honda have interviewed Nigel and Mike for jobs. Honda are in big trouble because they sack their old designer and now their 2007 cars is aperro. Muy mal. Already they have hired the Williams aero guy, and the BMW technical guy and they speak to these two guys too. Perhaps together they want to build a Mac-Rari. The British are poco loco. If this photo-copy shop was in Maranello, can you imagine the guy ringing up my boss Ron Dennis and saying "Ferrari have got your plans, this is not correct." No, they just smile the big smile - 780 pages is a big order. Now the FIA don't like my boss because he argues a lot want and him to explain how the Mac-Laren designer have their plans. And if it's not a good story then Fernando gets his points taken away. Is always Fernando who suffers. Dios mio - me, always me. Lewis Hamil-ton say to me "Lighten up, dawg! Stop bein' the manic depressive Spanish mo fo. The big guy'll deliver fo sho!" That's how he talks when the cameras are not near because he thinks it's cool to be a gansta rapper. But he knows nothing. Hasta luego, Your cousin, Fernando

[Mattk]

Lewis Hamil-ton say to me "Lighten up, dawg! Stop bein' the manic depressive Spanish mo fo. The big guy'll deliver fo sho!" That's how he talks when the cameras are not near because he thinks it's cool to be a gansta rapper.

Hilarious!