Uh Oh...

[Ziploc]

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Its Clarkson

May I begin by wishing you all a very happy new year. I certainly hope you enjoy reading Top Gear magazine over the next 12 months, because the way this are going, the programme of the same name isn't going to be making much of an appearance. Thanks to Wimbledon, the BBC's strange obsession with covering snooker, which is like billiards for poor people, and the World Cup, which is a competition in which people on vast salaries run around a field, there simply isn't enough space left for the sort of television programme normal people might actually want to watch. I think there will be one episode of Top Gear in 2006, on a Thursday, in August, while you're at the beach. This might be a disappointment for the huge numbers of teenage girls that tune in to see Richard Hammond's new teeth every week, but for those who actually work on the show, it'll be nothing short of a blessed relief. In the olden days, making Top Gear was easy. You drove around a few corners, put some suitcases in the boot of whatever you were testing, and then back at the edit, the director would cover up the gaps with lots of pounding Seventies' rock music. It took about 15 minutes. Not any more, because the show has become a monster. You may have noticed that the credits at the end of a normal programme roll for about six seconds, whereas the ones at the end of Top Gear give the impression you've been watching Ben Hur. So what, you may be wondering, do we all do? Well obviously, a lot of the time, we stare at Sophia and Rachel, our production co-ordinators, but then, we have to get down to it. Take the Bugatti race from Alba to London. Obviously, someone had to find a Bugatti which was available for six days. Then someone had to get two crews out to Italy and someone else had to find a four-minute hole in Richard Hammond's diary, so he could come too. While all this was going on, I was chained to my phone, talking to the engineer at Volkswagen who'd designed the car. And then I wrote the script. But, finally, we're all ready to go. A lot of people ask how we film these races, and whether they're fixed. Well, let me say here and now, in print, they're not. I follow a Range Rover tracking car, and we really don't pull over for anything except fuel. In the drive to Oslo, the camera man spent 24 hours in the boot and had to relieve himself in a bottle because there was no time to stop. Meanwhile, James and Richard are doing all they can to beat me. We take it very seriously. But not half as seriously as the director who, when the race is over, has to retrace our steps, adding to the miles of tracking shots he took in the race, with many more miles of arty 'ups and passes'. This usually take three days. And then he edits the film. And to edit the 32-minute Bugatti race took a staggering 33 sixteen-hour days. That's not even a minute a day, and no-one spends that much time (or money) on a commercial. It's the main reason why Top Gear doesn't look like any other show on television. Because everyone on it works so bloody hard. And because we have the best production manager in the whole of the BBC. We also have the best executive producer. Unlike most executive producers who are paid to have a lot of lunch, Andy Wilman spends all day in the office, swearing at anyone who walks past, and then when everyone's gone home, he goes to the edit suite in central London to swear at everyone there. In the last run, he never got home before one in the morning. He's so busy, in fact, that he doesn't even stare at Sophia and Rachel all that much. Then he announce he was firing everyone in the office who was a first born child, "to keep the faith". Eventually, all the films are made, and edited, and normally everyone would go home to relax. But on Top Gear, we then go into production. We record on a Wednesday in the old hangar where they used to paint Harrier Jump Jets and that means on a Tuesday the presenters have to rock up at the office. Richard spends the day flossing or talking to his dentist, James looks at Rachel a bit, and the looks at the prices of old motorcycles on eBay, but I have to write the show and prepare the guest interviews. On the Wednesday, we read through the script I've written to make sure it's not in French. Then we do a quick rehearsal in the freezing, or boiling, studio. Then James has a full three-course lunch as it's been a while since his full three-course breakfast. And it'll be at least six before he sits down to a three-course dinner. Richard doesn't eat as it dulls the whitener. Then it's time to get ready. This means we have to break out the ironing board and do our shirts - when you've spent 33 days editing one film, there's no money left over for wardrobe girls. Or cars to whisk us to the studio. Or even a green room. What we do have is a Portakabin. This is the beating heart of the operation. It has no heating, no broadband, no chairs, and nowhere for the guest's entourage to relax. We like it that way. In summer, we sit on the grass looking at the airfield where WW2 fighters used to take off and imagine we're in the RAF, waiting for the signal to scramble. This comes at around 2.30pm when the audience is herded in and the gates shut. At around 2.28, a bird normally flies into the Portakabin and craps on James. Or he decides he's hungry and needs another course, or that he needs a shit. So, just as I'm saying "Please welcome, James May", I see him going to the bogs with The Daily Telegraph. Currently, there are 190,000 people on the waiting list for tickets to see Top Gear. And with space for only 500 a week, it would take 19 years to accommodate them all. So we know it's a big deal and have a tea break, so Richard, James and I can stand around having our pictures taken on people's telephones. This baffles James a lot, partly because he doesn't understand camera phones, but mostly because he can't work out why anyone might want the picture of someone who's spent most of the day having a crap. But I love Wednesdays and the buzz of a studio, standing there wondering why no one's laughing at your jokes and speculating on how big the laugh will be when it's dubbed on afterwards. I love the sheer volume of Red Bull we get through, the vast quantities of cigarettes we smoke. And just how often we can call Hammond gay. I love the energy, the buzz and the way people react when you show them the films you worked so hard to make. It'll be hard to get that same buzz from watching two men play snooker.

[TT]

I love snooker and watching it right now actually, but I really hope such events won't kill TG in the future dang!

[No.1]

A great article again from JC

The "race fixing" issue is cleared up - passing shots done after the race has ended.

The time put into the show is astounding, but it really shows. I bet 5th Gear put in about 1/10 the budget, and 1/100 of the effort :roll:

I'm looking forward to the TG 2006 show in august - i sure as shit hope i'm not on a beach when they air it














BTW - i wonder if they'll do 10 eps followed by 6 eps. What do you reckon?

[No.1]

Originally Posted by TT I love snooker and watching it right now actually, but I really hope such events won't kill TG in the future dang!

LOL - i actually enjoy it quite a bit - i play at two clubs in my area quite regularly.

I'm not much good mind - highest break of 25 ops:

[nthfinity]

bah, they did this last year a bit too...
and naturally, i agree with Jezza here.

hopefully he's exaggerating how little TG is going to show this spring/summer.

[1zippo1]

Well, I'm impressed... all I can say is: Respect!!

Respect for the people that work so hard to make top gear the show it is.

this is a great read btw!!

I think they faced the same problems in 2005 because like we discussed, certain features weren't implemented. Probably because they didn't have the air time to do so... what a shame really. I do do hope that the BBC will give Top Gear the credit and air time it diserves.

[nthfinity]

looking at any other auto review program... TG is lightyears beyond any of them...

particular to thier races... its clear that their directors of filmography are top notch, as i've said befre

[sameerrao]

Nice article .. thanks

[gobs3z]

JC has always been a great writer, and i don't read much so it really means something coming from me. And what is snooker?

[No.1]

Originally Posted by gobs3z And what is snooker?

Are you serious?

Do you know what pool is?

All the information you need :arrow: http://www.worldsnooker.com/

[nthfinity]

Originally Posted by dani_d_mas That was a good read - and at the end the TG races mystery has been solved

i could've told you that... well, i could've told you only just recently
oh, and i'll confirm if white stig really is Julian... although im thinking its quite a high probability.

[saadie]

that was a nice read ... dont think they will shut down topgear ..... just think of all the money comming in ,... 19 years daymn

Originally Posted by nthfinity oh, and i'll confirm if white stig really is Julian... although im thinking its quite a high probability.

Julian Bailey right ?
i highly doubt it ... he is fatt and he is 40 years old .. lol

[nthfinity]

^^^^^^^

well, 40 years old... but fat? hes only 5'8" or something

[saadie]

5'8" isnt a measure of weight .. lol .. .

well .. looks like i've been seeing the wrong pictures ..

[gobs3z]

Originally Posted by thenumber1 Originally Posted by gobs3z And what is snooker? Are you serious? Do you know what pool is? All the information you need :arrow: http://www.worldsnooker.com/

I know exactly what pool is, but i have never heard that term. And it's a damn good game to watch!