parrot sex, golf

[possessed_beaver]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."




An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."



A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one hot bitch!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, she LOVED it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"



A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes!"

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins..."



The Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, "Did you find anything missing?" "No." she said

Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?" "No." He said "But my tennis racket smell like tuna fish!"


An older couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Joyce... Joyce..."

"Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.

Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Western Australia.