motor

BADMIHAI · 06-23-2003, 04:19 PM

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read
a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh,
gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he
will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car
phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared
nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why
men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the
roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a
restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do
you want to join me?"