Herpes! What?! Why didn't you tell me!!!
*(read this on craigslist!)
So last week I meet this gal from Dream mates and we rendezvous at a club near my house. We’re hitting it off so I invite her over to my place to watch some 3D video.
I can’t explain it but there is something about 3D video that gets me laid, like, 85% of the time. I can go from couch to bedroom in less than 15 minutes of 3D video almost every time (shit, I probably just blew my own cover because all the guys who read this are going to go out and buy 3D video systems and the next time I try to use the 3D video line the chick is going to slap me or something.)
So in less than 15 minutes this gal and I are in the bedroom and I have her stripped down to just her panties. I have learned that it is easy to strip a gal down to her panties as long as I keep kissing her (takes practice) but never, DON’T EVER, get into the panty tug-o-war. Just leave the panties alone. Get into the panty tug-o-war and it’s all over. A guy can not recover from the panty tug-o-war. Let her initiate the panty removal (i.e. wait until she pulls at least one side down her hip). Once she does then you can literally rip them panties off her cute little body. And the best way to get her to initiate the panty removal is to do the blowing hot air through the crotch thing.
So, I’m about to do the hot air through the crotch thing she goes “Wait.”
Shit. Okay. I’m thinking I know what she is going to say. She’s going to say “Do you have a condom?” Of course I do. In fact, it’s already locked and loaded on the nightstand. Something else I have learned is to let the chick tear open and apply the condom. When I do it I get all, you know, soft. I dunno why.
I start to reach for the condom when she says “There’s something I have to tell you.”
Shit. Okay. I’m thinking I know what she is going to say. She’s going to say “I’m married” or “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m seeing somebody else.” And frankly that’s perfectly fine with me. Really, it is. But I have learned you can’t just tell a chick that its perfectly fine that she’s screwing around behind her boyfriend’s back. Somehow that makes me the sleazeball even though she’s the one screwing around. I have to act all disappointed, get the sad face, and say something like “But I feel so connected to you, like, we’re already in love or something.” Then hesitate (two three four) and sigh and say “Maybe we should just stop.” And usually she’ll say something like “No, its okay. I just thought you should know.” And then I commence with the hot air through the crotch thing. But if she agrees that we should just stop then I commence with the hot air through the crotch thing anyway because she’s already made up her mind to fuck me back when we were watching 3D video – she just needed to clear her guilty conscience.
But she doesn’t say she has a boyfriend. No, she says the most frightening thing I have ever heard in my life. She says “I have herpes.”
WHAT!?!?!?!? SHIT!!! I jump up out of bed, horrified. Pffffftttt!! Pfffffffttt!! PFFFFTTT!!! I blow out the candles, turn on the lights, then jump around the room on one leg trying to get my pants back on. I’m thinking I should probably take a shower. Burn the sheets. Move.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!!” I ask, shout. “I just did.” She says. “No, I mean, earlier, like at the bar!” I say, shout. “Uh, don’t you think you are overreacting? There are precautions we can take.” She says, softly.
Precautions?!!! Yeah, like, what? Body condoms?
Anyway, the night ends in disaster – I drive her back to the club.
In retrospect I guess I did overreact. I’d like to call her and apologize and take her out again but I don’t think she wants to hear from me, especially since I practically made her jump out of the car while it was still moving when I dropped her off.
Okay. So. Last night. I meet another gal from Dream mates (much better pickings on paid sites than on free sites like CL). And we do the less than 15 minutes of 3D video and I kiss her passionately while stripping her clothes off careful not to get into the panty tug-of-war. And I’m about to do the hot air blowing through the crotch thing when, like the idiot I am, I say “Uh, you don’t have herpes or anything do you?”
And she says “WHAT!!????? SHIT!!!!” Then she jumps out of bed, horrified. Pffffftttt!! Pfffffffttt!! PFFFFTTT!!! Blows out the candles, turns out the light, then jumps around on one leg trying to get her pants back on…
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