Top tips (shamelessly stolen from Viz)

[TransAm]

SKATEBOARDERS Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.

NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.

SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."

ROYAL princes. Develop a 'knee problem' before entering military service, then you can quit a few weeks later 'devastated' by the crushing blow life has dealt you.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. (TA note: we actually do this although we rip the paper up also!)

GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

LEPRECHAUNS. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.

[TransAm]

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. (hmmm!)

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.

[ZfrkS62]

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

perfect advice

[SilviaEvo]

hahahhaa very funny