some good jokes

A guy goes into a Public Library and askes the Librarian if she has any books on how to commit suicide.

The Librarian says, "Fuck off... you won't return it."


***


A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
accidently cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When
she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to
the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around
she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "So you think that's funny?
Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting
really mad. He hets his knife back out and slices her tyres. Now she's
really laughing.

The truck driver is starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets
a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around
and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?"
the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't
looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"


***


Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will crash into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."


***


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last
time, I said, "Bring Posse!"

[Junk2006]

that was a good one

[SPEEDKILLAR]

"Listen carefully dickhead, for the last time, I said, "Bring Posse!"

Hahahaha, there all good but DAMN the last one makes me laugh like crazy

Thanks man, I had a bad day, but I'm allright now.

[BADMIHAI]

As opposed to "bring pussy"? hahahahahahhaahah

I was down the pub the other day, and I went up to the bar to order a drink. I took a quick glance at the guy next to me, and I had to do a second-take, because what I saw freaked me out. The guy, who was about 6-feet tall, had a head that was only about the size of an orange! Before I could stick my eyeballs back in my head, the guy says “You wanna hear about it?……you wanna know what happened?…….(insert wavy dream-sequence special effect here)

“You see, I was working this cargo ship in the Fijian islands and we ran into a tropical cyclone one night and before I knew what was happening I got washed overboard. Somehow I managed to swim to a nearby deserted, and when I got ashore I saw what looked like one of my other shipmates struggling in the surf break.

“I went back in the water and dragged the person ashore, but as I dragged them out of the water, bloody hell, it was the most beautiful mermaid with the most fantastic set of hooters I had ever seen!

“As she cleared her lungs of water, I couldn’t take my eyes off her gorgeous breasts! Finally, when she could breathe again, the mermaid said “Thank you brave sir for rescuing me. As a reward for saving me I grant you one wish�…

“Man, I’d been at sea for so long with out a woman all I wanted to do was pork something, so I just blurted out “I wanna have sex with you!�

“Brave sir�, said the mermaid “would but I could fulfil your wish, however as you can see I am but part woman and part fish, and I do not have the physiology that would be required�

Her breasts heaved up and down as she spoke, I was about to lose all control and I said “how about a little head then?�

boom boom

these jokes are to long id did read the last one by xc_corba thats some funny shit

[Junk2006]

wtf u don't wish for head you wish she had the other part a woman is supposed to have
whatever that is?

Q: How do Hellen Keller's parents punish her?

A: They put door knobs on the walls.


A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go back to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes
his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands
again.

Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."

Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that
out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're
done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good
dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[SPEEDKILLAR]

boom boom

Hhahahaha did,'t saw that coming

"Didn't feel a thing!"

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked
if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that
magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

As a young boy, Joe was obsessed with tractors. He had pictures all over his bedroom walls, tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, tractor carpet, duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.


On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to got to a Tractor factory and test drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory. Unfortunately something went wrong with the tractor and it flipped over, breaking his leg. He was so upset and tried to sue the company for negligence.


The company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather annoyed with tractors and shed them from his life completely.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.


Years later Joe went into a bar. The smoke was terrible and through it he could see a beautiful girl seated at the bar.
Tears were streaming down her face from all the smoke getting in her eyes.


Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside and blew it all out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "how did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,

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I'm an Ex-tractor Fan ...

***

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient

pretending as if he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops

driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another

patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in Chicago!"