Beer, Phones, Crayfish and one horney gorilla

[possessed_beaver]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin' real beer, then neither am I!"

(for the record this doesent reflect my personal opinions ect. as i personaly hate beer)


A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite." When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone." The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!" So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it. The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids. After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"



A man's wife goes missing. and the man is distraught. He calls the police, fire brigade, ambulance; everyone. Finally after 3 days, two policemen knock on his door, caps in hand, with solemn looks on their faces. The more senior constable asks the man if he reported his wife missing. After the man said yes, the constable asked for a brief descrption, which was provided.

"Ah" said the policeman, "Then I fear we have some bad news, good news, and some very good news." Deciding to cop it both-barrels the man opted to hear the bad news first. "Well, sir, we have found your wife. Unfortunately she was found under the pier, and has been dead for some days now." After recouperating from the bad tidings, the man asks for the good news. "Oh, well, when we pulled your departed wife up from the water, she was covered in crustaceans; crayfish, crabs, lobsters, you name it. Here's your share" at which point the junior officer hads the man a bag full of shellfish. "Well, this is some consolation i suppose. Mary was always giving... even in death it would seem." The man sobbed "And what is the VERY good news?"

The senior policeman looked briefly at his watch and replied "Meself and the lad here knock-off about 5:00, and we're gonna go down and pull her up again!"

(on a personal note to this story, my grand dad worked on the dock's in perth, and i recall ym grandmah telling me a story of how one of the drunk saliours fell in one night and how when they pulled him up and he was explaning it 2 my grandmah that there was all crayfish feasting on his dead body she harshley interupted him saying "soo... did u keep them"

lol unfortunatley that aint a lie either, kinda disturbing...)



It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. She does so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."

[BADMIHAI]

AH....the last one is the best! Good ones, Beavah!

[robruf]

How true is that, all women should read this last joke and be told that this is how we feel.