French military victories

[SilviaEvo]

VIVE LA FRANCE!!!

[Toronto]

everything went downhill since the anrgy midget.

[mindgam3]

Originally Posted by BADMIHAI Originally Posted by mindgam3 fashionable recently?? We british have been ripping the piss out of them for centuries mate That is correct. I recall the battle of Hastings where...oh wait...that's where the French took over your country.

I'm not denying that the French have had their victories (and their losses, Waterloo ) but i'm just saying it hasn't become "fashionable" recently, at least not in Britain, we've "hated" the French for centuries - as your example proves, nearly 1000 years ago

[crayzayjay]

Originally Posted by BADMIHAI Perhaps you should show a little class now, and admit your error? Stage 1: Denial. What error? O.K. O.K. I admit I should have taken it more like a joke. But I was just pissed off because people here really think the French are THAT weak. It amused me when I heard Canadians laughing at the French military...when the French could take over Canada in about...oh 5 minutes, if they didn't receive American back-up.

Cool

Before you let them annoy you, think about it for a second: People who make fun of other countries' militaries... You could count their brain cells on one hand

[BADMIHAI]

You could count their brain cells on one hand

You're just mad because Britain's military sucks. Now if I could only count to 10....

[mindgam3]

Originally Posted by BADMIHAI You could count their brain cells on one hand You're just mad because Britain's military sucks. Now if I could only count to 10....

lol, says the man from canada.....

[crayzayjay]

Originally Posted by BADMIHAI You could count their brain cells on one hand You're just mad because Britain's military sucks.

Oh yeah, well Canada's military is gay!!


Bah.... since leaving uni my comebacks arent what they used to be

[graywolf624]

Canada's military is gay!!

Does one tank count as a military?

Originally Posted by graywolf624 Canada's military is gay!! Does one tank count as a military?

what about thier navy LOL

[BADMIHAI]

Originally Posted by crayzayjay People who make fun of other countries' militaries... You could count their brain cells on one hand

Originally Posted by crayzayjay Oh yeah, well Canada's military is gay!!

Self-ownage, or what?

[gobs3z]

Breif History Lesson


- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

FRENCH ON FRENCH LOSSES(probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

[360modena]

Very interresting gobs3z so what's the goal of your answer?

[BADMIHAI]

Originally Posted by gobs3z Breif History Lesson - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

The French didn't even exist back then, fuckface. And neither did the Italians. Maybe you should read some real history before you open your ignorant mouth.

[graywolf624]

Calm down bad..
Thats another one of those funny chain letters..
Fits in well with the two ebay auctions a few years ago...

French rifle.. dropped twice never fired.
French flag... doubles as a good sheet.

There jks.. Shesh..

[crayzayjay]

Originally Posted by BADMIHAI Originally Posted by crayzayjay People who make fun of other countries' militaries... You could count their brain cells on one hand Originally Posted by crayzayjay Oh yeah, well Canada's military is gay!! Self-ownage, or what?

I think self-ownage is you not understanding my post at the top of this page, nor recognising the fact that i was kidding in my last one


And for fucks sake, learn how to take a joke...