A couple of Jokes
A couple attending an art exhibition at the national gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men sitting on a park bench totally naked, two of the men had black penises but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised the couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact" he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the social and cultural oppression of gay men in a contempory society". After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple. He said "would you like to know what that painting is really about".
The couple replied "how would you claim to know more about that painting than the curator of the gallery."
The scotsman replied "because I'm the block who painted it." He continued "in fact there is no African American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Bill Gates recently made a speech to a group of high school students. However all attending were shocked when he did not follow the traditional route of 'you can do anything you want'. Instead he simply read out eleven simple rules to the kids. Here they are:
RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it’s not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Q: You're stuck in a lift with a Lion, an angry Rhinoceros and a Holden fan. You have a gun, however only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the Holden fan twice.
A man buys the car of his dreams. On the first day that he has it he takes his girlfriend out for a drive in it. She says to him "how fast will it go" to which he of course replies "faster than its ever going to do on a public road with you beside me". She says "if you make it go as fast as it will go then I will take all of my clothes off".
The man thinks about her proposition, she is a beautiful women so he thinks to himself 'well why not'. So he agrees to drive as fast as he can. He plants his right foot. With an angry growl the car takes off. While he has eyes glued to the road his girlfriend reads off the numbers. She says 100 mph, and takes her top off, as you can imagine the car homes in on 200 mph and she gradually gets to the point of being naked.
Eventually the car is travelling at over 200 mph with the girl totally naked. The man driving is having tremendous difficulty concentrating, the distraction is too much for him. And inevitably of course he crashes. The car is destroyed and the man seriously hurt, unable to move, and trapped in the car. However the girl miraculously is unharmed. However in the crash the clothes that she had thrown off with such abandon are lost. He tells her to go and raise the alarm to get help. But she tells him that she cant go anywhere naked. He gives her his shoe and says, "here cover yourself up with this".
After a long run to the nearest town the girl finds the police station and says to the policeman "please help, there has been a terrible accident, my husband is stuck, please help".
The policeman replies "sorry love he's too far in, nothing we can do for him."
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thanks zonda 
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