a few jokes

[ZfrkS62]

Lawyer Joke:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded,"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and
his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
motherfuckers asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail
for contempt."


False Alarm:
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"


Kiss my Ass:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek."

Mexican Smuggler:
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."