[TransAm]

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.

DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

SPOOK owners of cars with tinted windows. Upon seeing one driving past, wink conspiratorially and touch your nose.

PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. (hmmm!)

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.