New Priest
 

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsingnor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the "Big JC."
6. It's the "Father, Son, and Holy Ghost," not "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him."
8. When David was hit by a rock and fell off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass."
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T!" 10. When Jesus broke bread and said, "Take, eat, for it is my body," He did not say, "Eat me."
11. The Virgin Mary should never be refered to as "Mary with the Cherry."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
13. And most importantly, Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.