possessed_beaver
03-16-2004, 05:42 AM
A guy goes into a Public Library and askes the Librarian if she has any books on how to commit suicide.
The Librarian says, "Fuck off... you won't return it."
***
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
accidently cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When
she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to
the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around
she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "So you think that's funny?
Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting
really mad. He hets his knife back out and slices her tyres. Now she's
really laughing.
The truck driver is starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets
a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around
and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?"
the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't
looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"
***
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will crash into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
***
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last
time, I said, "Bring Posse!"
The Librarian says, "Fuck off... you won't return it."
***
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
accidently cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When
she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his
pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to
the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around
she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "So you think that's funny?
Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting
really mad. He hets his knife back out and slices her tyres. Now she's
really laughing.
The truck driver is starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets
a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around
and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?"
the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't
looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"
***
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will crash into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
***
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dickhead, for the last
time, I said, "Bring Posse!"