Guest
02-17-2004, 09:25 AM
heres a few more. some are pretty disgusting.
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Bathroom Break
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"
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Circle Flies
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
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Defnitely
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Ginger
A women goes to the house of her boyfriend's parents for dinner. She's meeting the family for the first time and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. However, the woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the "poot."
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog, that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn it Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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Marine Inspection
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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Proud Dads
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. But then HE got his break and they made him a stock broker. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday.
The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well I’m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
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Bathroom Break
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"
****************************************
Circle Flies
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
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Defnitely
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
**************************************************
Ginger
A women goes to the house of her boyfriend's parents for dinner. She's meeting the family for the first time and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. However, the woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the "poot."
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog, that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn it Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
**********************************************
Marine Inspection
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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Proud Dads
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. But then HE got his break and they made him a stock broker. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday.
The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well I’m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
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