jon_s
01-23-2004, 02:44 PM
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and
still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of
your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes
of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water
all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and
still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of
your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes
of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water
all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing