Sir_GT
12-01-2006, 11:12 AM
Black and White
One day the chieftain of a tribe in Africa furiously approached a missionary priest in their village. "Father! My wife gave birth to a white child! And you are the only white man within 50 miles of this village! Explain that, explain now!"
The priest, breaking a sweat, told the angry chieftain: "You know chief you have nothing to worry about. That is how God works. God works in mysterious ways."
The priest noticed that the chieftain was not convinced so he pointed to a group of goats. "Look at that family of goats chief. All of them are white except for one. See, that is how God works."
This time around, the chieftain showed a calm face and the priest was relieved. The chief then whispered to the priest: "Okay Father, no need to worry. I'll make you a deal: I'll be quiet about the white child, you just be quiet about the black goat."
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Heaven Sent
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. There were a few people waiting before her, so she strikes up a conversation with the cock-bearing saint. They were deep in discussion when suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream. “What was that?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” said St. Peter. “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, more terrible than the previous one. “What was that?” “Oh, don’t worry,” again said St. Peter soothingly. “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” Upon hearing this, the lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” inquired St. Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs,” answers the lady. “But you can’t go there. You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s okay,” she notes. “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
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She's Cuckoo
A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.
Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.
The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
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Action-Packed Wedding Night
An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Since her new husband was old she was concerned about his health, so the woman decides that after the wedding she and the old man would have separate bedrooms, lest he overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities the bride prepares herself for bed and hears the expected "knock" on the door. There was the geriatric groom, ready for action. They fuck and all goes well. The groom leaves and the bride prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, the bride hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's the groom, again ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, the bride consents to more sex.
When the lovebirds are done, the old groom kisses his bride, bids her goodnight, and leaves.
As she readies to sleep again, the groom comes back again, as fresh as a 25-year-old, hot and passionate. This time the bride is truly amazed. "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover."
The groom, somewhat embarrassed, turns to his bride and says: "You mean I was here already?"
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Go Nan Go
A man went to a hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Now his problem was how to carry them all. He hit upon an idea: He’d put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in his other hand. When he was on his way, a little old lady approached him and asked for directions. “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” the lady asked. “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take the short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time,” the man answered. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said: “I am a widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The man said: “Holy smokes, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady said: “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
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Legal Drubbing
A city lawyer went duck hunting in a rural town. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s paddock on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer walked up to him and asked what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don’t let me get that duck I’ll sue you and take everything you own,”
boasted the lawyer. The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things up here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.” “What’s that?” the lawyer asked. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney thought about it and figured he could take the old codger. So he agreed. The old farmer walked up to the city feller and kicked him in the groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The third kick almost knocked the lawyer out of his wits. The lawyer slowly got to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot—now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
_______________________________________
One day the chieftain of a tribe in Africa furiously approached a missionary priest in their village. "Father! My wife gave birth to a white child! And you are the only white man within 50 miles of this village! Explain that, explain now!"
The priest, breaking a sweat, told the angry chieftain: "You know chief you have nothing to worry about. That is how God works. God works in mysterious ways."
The priest noticed that the chieftain was not convinced so he pointed to a group of goats. "Look at that family of goats chief. All of them are white except for one. See, that is how God works."
This time around, the chieftain showed a calm face and the priest was relieved. The chief then whispered to the priest: "Okay Father, no need to worry. I'll make you a deal: I'll be quiet about the white child, you just be quiet about the black goat."
__________________________________________
Heaven Sent
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. There were a few people waiting before her, so she strikes up a conversation with the cock-bearing saint. They were deep in discussion when suddenly she hears a blood-curdling scream. “What was that?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry about that,” said St. Peter. “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, more terrible than the previous one. “What was that?” “Oh, don’t worry,” again said St. Peter soothingly. “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.” Upon hearing this, the lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” inquired St. Peter. “I think I’ll go downstairs,” answers the lady. “But you can’t go there. You’ll be raped and sodomized!” “It’s okay,” she notes. “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
__________________________________________
She's Cuckoo
A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.
Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.
The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
__________________________________________
Action-Packed Wedding Night
An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Since her new husband was old she was concerned about his health, so the woman decides that after the wedding she and the old man would have separate bedrooms, lest he overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities the bride prepares herself for bed and hears the expected "knock" on the door. There was the geriatric groom, ready for action. They fuck and all goes well. The groom leaves and the bride prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, the bride hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's the groom, again ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, the bride consents to more sex.
When the lovebirds are done, the old groom kisses his bride, bids her goodnight, and leaves.
As she readies to sleep again, the groom comes back again, as fresh as a 25-year-old, hot and passionate. This time the bride is truly amazed. "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover."
The groom, somewhat embarrassed, turns to his bride and says: "You mean I was here already?"
_________________________________________
Go Nan Go
A man went to a hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Now his problem was how to carry them all. He hit upon an idea: He’d put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in his other hand. When he was on his way, a little old lady approached him and asked for directions. “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” the lady asked. “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take the short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time,” the man answered. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said: “I am a widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The man said: “Holy smokes, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady said: “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
________________________________________
Legal Drubbing
A city lawyer went duck hunting in a rural town. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s paddock on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer walked up to him and asked what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don’t let me get that duck I’ll sue you and take everything you own,”
boasted the lawyer. The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things up here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.” “What’s that?” the lawyer asked. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney thought about it and figured he could take the old codger. So he agreed. The old farmer walked up to the city feller and kicked him in the groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The third kick almost knocked the lawyer out of his wits. The lawyer slowly got to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot—now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
_______________________________________