LotusGT1
05-02-2006, 04:51 AM
Detroit - Aiming to weather the fierce competition from its Asian and European rivals, GM executives unveiled an innovative strategy to recoup its slipping domestic market share through the creation of ultra-niche vehicles. The strategy will focus on redesigning existing vehicle platforms to appeal to specific cultural and ethnic groups.
The first ultra-niche offering the Chevy Granjero, based on the Chevy Silverado platform, targets Mexican immigrants whose penchant for pickup trucks is well-known. Granjero, Spanish for farmer, is manufactured and equipped to meet the unique needs of the migrant community. The truck is immediately conspicuous with its five model-exclusive paint jobs. Gold, copper and green in heavy flake metallic comprise the three solid paint schemes. Also on offer are rich depictions of a lush cattle ranch or the final supper, which span the truck’s entire perimeter. Ergonomics tailored to suit the typically diminutive Mexican anatomy are manifest in features such as mini escalators to ease entry and exiting. Inside, headroom has been increased to accommodate the 10-gallon cowboy hat popular among rancheros. Luggage capacity has been maximized by hollowing out space between the bed liner and the underbody. “You could fit a small family under there,” boasted Tex White, GM niche market division director. The importance of the vehicle’s success to GM is readily apparent in the attention detail: the Granjero badge cast in old English font, lavish window drapes and window frame-embedded, multi-colored LEDs programmed to flash in rhythm with Mexican waltzes.
Other, similarly offensive, ultra-niche models are already in the pipeline. One potential model focuses on pious Jews. “Under Jewish law one may not drive a car on the Sabbath, but they still want to flash their bling,” said Brenda Witt, a GM market analyst. “Obviously, all Jews are loaded; pockets just lined with Jew-gold.” To circumvent the problematic law GM is developing a Cadillac with removable floor panels that allow the drivers to use their feet to propel the car along at a leisurely pace. Another option adds harnesses to the hood for livestock or Mexicans to tow their car. “An ancient, cultural problem solved with sensitivity by GM! Cruise the boulevard while honoring thy commandments.” When cutting off another driver an air horn bellows out and a scrolling LED strip in the back window announces “Birthright!” Recognizing Jews’ hard work ethic, the vehicle will include dash-embedded calculators to calculate loan interest and a jewelers eyepiece.
GM looks to tap the growing Asian market with a compact sedan. The potential vehicle would feature large, balloon-like safety bumpers canvassing the entire exterior. Engineers have reduced the windshield area to miniscule proportions in order to maximize the aerodynamic efficiency of the car, achieving optimum fuel consumption. “What’s the difference? They’re already squinting anyways,” quipped Mike Gascoyne, GM aerodynamicist. Finally, large, flashing orange hazard lights accompanied by a 200-megawatt loudspeaker playing the Jaws movie theme will alert others of the coming danger.
“We considered a vehicle targeted at Native Americans, but GM doesn’t advocate drunk driving,” concluded White.
“This plan continues GM’s strong tradition of anticipating and adapting to shifts in market demand,” said Pam Teller, an industry expert bribed by GM. “They really have their hand on the pulse of the people.” Objective stock market analysts weren’t as praiseworthy. “Expect GM stock to plummet when the DOW opens Tuesday,” said Arthur Dean, editor of the Detroit Financial Times.
http://theskidpad.com/2006/05/01/23/#more-23
The first ultra-niche offering the Chevy Granjero, based on the Chevy Silverado platform, targets Mexican immigrants whose penchant for pickup trucks is well-known. Granjero, Spanish for farmer, is manufactured and equipped to meet the unique needs of the migrant community. The truck is immediately conspicuous with its five model-exclusive paint jobs. Gold, copper and green in heavy flake metallic comprise the three solid paint schemes. Also on offer are rich depictions of a lush cattle ranch or the final supper, which span the truck’s entire perimeter. Ergonomics tailored to suit the typically diminutive Mexican anatomy are manifest in features such as mini escalators to ease entry and exiting. Inside, headroom has been increased to accommodate the 10-gallon cowboy hat popular among rancheros. Luggage capacity has been maximized by hollowing out space between the bed liner and the underbody. “You could fit a small family under there,” boasted Tex White, GM niche market division director. The importance of the vehicle’s success to GM is readily apparent in the attention detail: the Granjero badge cast in old English font, lavish window drapes and window frame-embedded, multi-colored LEDs programmed to flash in rhythm with Mexican waltzes.
Other, similarly offensive, ultra-niche models are already in the pipeline. One potential model focuses on pious Jews. “Under Jewish law one may not drive a car on the Sabbath, but they still want to flash their bling,” said Brenda Witt, a GM market analyst. “Obviously, all Jews are loaded; pockets just lined with Jew-gold.” To circumvent the problematic law GM is developing a Cadillac with removable floor panels that allow the drivers to use their feet to propel the car along at a leisurely pace. Another option adds harnesses to the hood for livestock or Mexicans to tow their car. “An ancient, cultural problem solved with sensitivity by GM! Cruise the boulevard while honoring thy commandments.” When cutting off another driver an air horn bellows out and a scrolling LED strip in the back window announces “Birthright!” Recognizing Jews’ hard work ethic, the vehicle will include dash-embedded calculators to calculate loan interest and a jewelers eyepiece.
GM looks to tap the growing Asian market with a compact sedan. The potential vehicle would feature large, balloon-like safety bumpers canvassing the entire exterior. Engineers have reduced the windshield area to miniscule proportions in order to maximize the aerodynamic efficiency of the car, achieving optimum fuel consumption. “What’s the difference? They’re already squinting anyways,” quipped Mike Gascoyne, GM aerodynamicist. Finally, large, flashing orange hazard lights accompanied by a 200-megawatt loudspeaker playing the Jaws movie theme will alert others of the coming danger.
“We considered a vehicle targeted at Native Americans, but GM doesn’t advocate drunk driving,” concluded White.
“This plan continues GM’s strong tradition of anticipating and adapting to shifts in market demand,” said Pam Teller, an industry expert bribed by GM. “They really have their hand on the pulse of the people.” Objective stock market analysts weren’t as praiseworthy. “Expect GM stock to plummet when the DOW opens Tuesday,” said Arthur Dean, editor of the Detroit Financial Times.
http://theskidpad.com/2006/05/01/23/#more-23