sameerrao
10-05-2004, 02:31 PM
1. The Best Hooker
A guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
'Is it true you're a prostitute?'
'Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I don’t know. What do you charge?'
'I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there...'
'$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?'
'You see that Ferrari out there?'
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. 'I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
'Last night was incredible!'
'Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs...'
'How much is that?'
'$500'
'$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!'
'You see that apartment building across the street?'
The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.
'I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints... twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. 'I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me what'll it cost me for some pussy?'
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
'You see that island?'
'Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!'
She nods her head. 'You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!'
2.
Three Tests
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: 'What's up with the jar?'
Bartender: 'Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.'
Man: 'What are the three tests?'
Bartender: 'Pay first. Those are the rules.'
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
Bartender: 'OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.'
Man: 'Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there.'
Bartender: 'Your call. But your money stays in the jar.'
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, then eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
'NOW,' he says, 'where's that woman with the sore tooth?
3.
Every morning a seven foot man built like a wrestler got on the same bus. “Big John doesn’t pay!” he always announced before taking his seat. Tired of being taken advantage of, the scrawny bus driver decided to take up weight lifting and six months later felt ready to challenge the man.
"Big John doesn’t pay!” said the man getting into the bus as usual.
“And why not?” screamed the driver, squaring up to him.
“Because Big John has a bus pass,” he replied.
A guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
'Is it true you're a prostitute?'
'Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I don’t know. What do you charge?'
'I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there...'
'$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?'
'You see that Ferrari out there?'
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. 'I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
'Last night was incredible!'
'Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs...'
'How much is that?'
'$500'
'$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!'
'You see that apartment building across the street?'
The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.
'I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints... twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. 'I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me what'll it cost me for some pussy?'
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
'You see that island?'
'Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!'
She nods her head. 'You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!'
2.
Three Tests
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: 'What's up with the jar?'
Bartender: 'Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.'
Man: 'What are the three tests?'
Bartender: 'Pay first. Those are the rules.'
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
Bartender: 'OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.'
Man: 'Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there.'
Bartender: 'Your call. But your money stays in the jar.'
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, then eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
'NOW,' he says, 'where's that woman with the sore tooth?
3.
Every morning a seven foot man built like a wrestler got on the same bus. “Big John doesn’t pay!” he always announced before taking his seat. Tired of being taken advantage of, the scrawny bus driver decided to take up weight lifting and six months later felt ready to challenge the man.
"Big John doesn’t pay!” said the man getting into the bus as usual.
“And why not?” screamed the driver, squaring up to him.
“Because Big John has a bus pass,” he replied.