leinad111
09-04-2003, 11:59 PM
>
>1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
>Juan on Juan
>
>2. What is a Yankee?
>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>The position of the dirt bag.
>
>4. Why is divorce so expensive?
>Because it's worth it.
>
>5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
>One US leader.
>
>6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>Doughnuts.
>
>7. Why is air a lot like sex?
>Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
>8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
>Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
>9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a
room
together?
>100 people who don't do dick.
>
> (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
>1. What do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>
>2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
>Their personalities.
>
>3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>45 lbs.
>
>4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>45 minutes.
>
>5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
>None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
>
>6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.
>
>8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring,
and
good-looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
>9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
>10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
>they have no intention of driving.
>
>11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
>Who has the biggest boobs?
>The blonde, because she's 18.
>
>12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
>Because they have cotton balls.
>
>13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
>14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
>Are you sure it's mine?"
>
>15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>
>16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>Mace will do that to you.
>
>17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi
>He walks around saying "Yo."
>
>20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car
only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
>"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the
other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at
half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the
cage
> along with... "a recipe".
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F
word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern
fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit..."
>
> Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
>we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
> today they call it the PGA TOUR.
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
>1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
>Juan on Juan
>
>2. What is a Yankee?
>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>The position of the dirt bag.
>
>4. Why is divorce so expensive?
>Because it's worth it.
>
>5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
>One US leader.
>
>6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>Doughnuts.
>
>7. Why is air a lot like sex?
>Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
>8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
>Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
>9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a
room
together?
>100 people who don't do dick.
>
> (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
>1. What do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>
>2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
>Their personalities.
>
>3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>45 lbs.
>
>4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>45 minutes.
>
>5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
>None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
>
>6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.
>
>8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring,
and
good-looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
>9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
>10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
>they have no intention of driving.
>
>11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
>Who has the biggest boobs?
>The blonde, because she's 18.
>
>12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
>Because they have cotton balls.
>
>13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
>14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
>Are you sure it's mine?"
>
>15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>
>16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>Mace will do that to you.
>
>17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi
>He walks around saying "Yo."
>
>20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car
only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
>"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the
other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at
half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the
cage
> along with... "a recipe".
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F
word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern
fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit..."
>
> Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
>we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
> today they call it the PGA TOUR.
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides